He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
This is classic penis vs brain.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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