I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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