So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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