i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
