Taylor Swift is so right about you.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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