We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
