Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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