im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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