i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
