i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
