I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My life is pants optional.
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