dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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