I can't breathe out the right side of my face
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
