i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Someone came in the potted fern
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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