I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
