You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
