What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
