very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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