I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
