toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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