he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
