New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
