I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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