she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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