I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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