Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Small penises have feelings too.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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