saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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