just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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