I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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