Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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