so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
