nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
