I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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