even my farts smell like vagina
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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