What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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