I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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