I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It's just like the Real World with babies
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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