I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
