we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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