You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
