Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
