it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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