When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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