She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Vodka?
Forever.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
