god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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