my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
