is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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