dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
