I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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