Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
