Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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