i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
