my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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