forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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