her vagine was all disorganized.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
